Posts Tagged ‘humor’

The truth about The Last Supper

October 23, 2010 Leave a comment
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Why Spain is Different? Chapter 5: from the differential facts to pyro-musical shows

June 3, 2010 1 comment

Previously, on Spain…

Thanks to Fernando III, the Kingdom of Castile got one of his greatest hits in all history: to grow something in a place that originally had been a lush virgin forest, after it had been reduced to ashes, and then populated with goats. And did it thanks to a new invention: mass immigration. What they achieved to grow? A stunted turnip.

A Leon's native working illegally near Granada

After the new immigrant population of poor farmers went displacing the indigenous goats, they had to go down south, eventually arriving to Granada over the years. Once there, the Leonese goats were devoted to their millennial and tireless work of ending any vestige of plant life on the face of the earth, including Stevia fields that kept diabetic Granada within safe levels of glucose in blood.. and the last tiger nut fields.
Without its medicine, Grenada was doomed.

Meanwhile a little further north, one fellow called Martin, a descendant of Good Ole King James, thought he had to be honest, so if you fancy religion, you have to be chaste, and thus… not having children. So Martin the Dumbas… eeerrr… the Human, died childless after a hellish night in which he received the visit of a delegation, which asked in front of a notary, to be ceded the right to decide who would succeed the king.
The next morning, someone noticed that one of the witnesses had his passport expired, or that there was any crappy defect on one form, so they all went back to the King’s chamber who, fed up with the presence of such ass-officials, decided to die and pass the shit to someone else.

Catalan Counts were versed in honor, word and pacts as Good King James said, so they went for the legal path. But the Castilian, more versed in the art of business after more than four centuries managing the European drunk tourist, overtook the process and forced their own heir: Ferdinando II, Infante de Castilla, Duke of Peñafiel, major landowner of Spain and de facto king.

Ferdinand II was declared heir to the Crown of Aragon through the sacred vote of Casp’s Concile. The fact that the declaration as heir was held before the vote itself is, without doubt, the Miracle of Ferdinando II. This miracle was done, probably, by St. Vincent Ferrer, who dealt a few more things, consisting of the miraculous conversion of thousands of Muslims, Jews and even some clueless Christians, just after them were being threatened with a slow, violent and painful death caused by sharpen metal utensils and / or musical fireworks shows.

Vincent Ferrer converting a Jew using the biblical traditional manner

Another Vincent’s miracles was the fact that himself was assuring that he preached only in Catalan… and he was understood all along the entire peninsula.
Preaching in Catalan and being understood by the Teutons and Normans is subject of controversy, with some opinions according this had been done through the practice of witchcraft.

Once Ferdinand II of Aragon became Ferdinand N +1 of Aragon, Catalonia, Valencia, Majorca, Naples, Two Sicilians and Jerusalem, he met Isabella, Princess of Asturias and heir to the Kingdom of Castile, both decided to continue the traditions started centuries ago. So first, they got a false papalician bull that exempted them to burn eternally in hell for fornicating, being themselves 3rd degree relatives (may be Elizabeth was a fervent supporter of charitable and Christian teachings which explicitly prohibits pre-marital sex) and after that, they married in secret.

After inventing Spain, the new rulers wanted to do the job well. And so they hired the services of Tomas de Torquemada, a Dominican monk, nephew of a cardinal and descendant of Jewish converts. The kings asked Torquemada to design a plan to fully integrate the new country within Europe (I mean, this happened 600 years ago…).
Tomas decided to take a branch of the Public Administration of Aragon named “The Inquisition”, created about 300 years before, in order to burn alive the maximum number of southern France inhabitants.
After changing the name to “The Spanish Inquisition”, and the mysterious (or miraculous) assassination of the former Inquisitor, Pedro de Arbus, attributed to a band of heretics and Jews, Tomas of Torquemada became Inquisitor General hammer of heretics, light of Spain, savior of his country and his honor, gaining power over life and death over all inhabitants of the Kingdom of Spain. Take that.
Torquemada, who was a man who traveled far and had a wide culture, appropriated the discourse made by Richard IV of England when he left for the Crusades, modifying it slightly:

As the good Lord said: “Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he’s Jewish, in which case, kill the bastard!”

The plan devised by Thomas was very similar to the original Inquisition’s public service, but the new Director-General extended the scope to religious genocide: the plan was to burn alive anyone who did not profess the Catholic, Apostolic, Roman and Hypocritical faith. And also redheads and left-handed people, regardless of their spiritual feelings.

In matters of religion, especially in the Christian religion of the necrophiliac lynched palestinian, converts are often the most fervent supporters of their new faith. Undoubtedly, the descendant of Jewish converts Torquemada was deeply inspired by such a predecessor as Paul of Tarsus, leading up his fervor to unexpected levels and applied it with special attention to Jewish converts and their descendants, like himself, who were accused of continuing to apply the Mosaic law with any excuse and under any pretext.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!

The Spanish Inquisition, with the help of his weapon as was surprise … surprise and fear … well, two weapons which were fear and surprise … and ruthless efficiency … The three weapons of the inquisition were fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency… and a fanatical devotion towards the Pope …. The FOUR… Among the weapons… within its weaponry… there were elements as fear, surprise … whatever. It became one of the branches of that manage public resources more efficiently. He lowered the legal age to 12 years in women and 14 men (unambiguous reference from Tomas to Paul’s love and respect to ladies); expanded the use and interaction between metal elements viciously sharp and human bodies; established an anonymous tip off system, through which anyone could refer to any inquisitorial court without any identification and by no means no basis nor proof; imported the european custom to prevent the advancement of heretics by burning all books not Catholic, especially all those Jewish and Arabic literature; and reduced process costs through an inquisitorial model of mass-entertainment business, consisting of multitudinous pyro-musical shows with the participation, only during his mandate, of up to 10,000 extras with phrase and 27,000 extras.
Sometime, in those typical quiet moments suffered by endogamous people between matinée and afternoon show, someone discovered that the ancient and noble Arabs were besieged by flocks of Iberian goats and had no access to certain healing plants that prevented them from becoming blind.
Isabella and Ferdinand N +1 went fast and furious to Granada, and finally got Boabdil, the diabetic king, surrendered the city, completing the reconquest and minting the sentence “Tanto monta monta tanto, Isabel como Fernando”, used by Granada’s inhabitants to designate their feelings about the new kings, who would be “the same old shit”.
As the last king of Granada went up whining to the Alpujarra, his mother said

Cry now as a man what you’ve been fondling before as a woman.

Or something else… Although there are scholars and historians who claim that what Aisha really said to her son was

You’ll see when uncle Suleiman finds out.

And uncle Suleiman was known as one of the most cruel and ruthless living men at the Maghreb, so Boabdil cried, thinking about what to expect in Oman.

As expected, the plan from Torquemada worked to perfection once the Reconquista was over. The vast majority of Jews and Almohades and remaining Almoravids still alive chose the one true faith … if they did not wanted to end by smelling roasted. Those who did ignore the indirect and remained faithful to his ideals were eventually burned.
There were curious cases in which, even after abjuring their bastard faith, the ex-heretic was burnt alive as soon as it became converted…

These proto-falles helped when Torquemada issued the final expulsion of Jews and Moors from Spain. The issue was taken seriously, and between 50,000 and 200,000 people left to never come back …
Torquemada system bequeathed to posterity two traditions that still remains nowadays: the spanish rarity of having two surnames, to discern a possible Jewish ancestry, and the concept “making Saturday”, which clearly distinguished Christian women amongst those who were not: the Christian houses were cleaned on Saturday, and those that was not cleaned, it was because its inhabitants were some few disgusting bitches that deserved the utmost cleanliness: the bonfire.

Years later, the Borgia Pope Alexander VII gave another papalician bull that granted cousins Ferdinand and Isabella, the makers and promoters of mass murder and deportation of anyone not taking literally, like them, the Holy Scriptures of the only true faith of the three religions of the Book (whatever the bugger means), the status of ‘Catholic Monarchs’.

And so it was on August 2, 1492, deadline for Jews and Moors to march off the Peninsula, as a fellow named Columbus decided to do so by sea with the excuse to cut…

Why Spain is different? Chapter 4: from the reality show to the differential fact

May 29, 2010 1 comment

Previously, on Spain…

When the Iberian peninsula was divided among four Christian kingdoms and several small groups of Muslim diabetics, the thing was very clear …. Or at least it could be to any civilized strategist: the Christian kingdoms were easy to form a common alliance to get rid of that called fuckingmoorishbastards.

Sancho and Alfonso of Castiella et Leon, or vice versa, deciding inheritance as good brothers

But remember we are talking of the Iberian Peninsula. So the four Christian kingdoms, after looking south a split second, followed the biblical tradition of resolving hereditary disputes by clubbing, unless the agent and sole legal representative on Earth of the Palestinian lynched a thousand years ago sneaked in the dispute. Then all were silent and obedient.
And thus was formed the lore of the Albigensian Crusades, the Battle of Muret and the confining of a small blond boy in the castle of Monzon.
And while the blond boy was visiting Monzon, a French monk who had invented a portable writing system consisting of small sheets tied which fitted in the pocket, was having a walk at Poitiers. While he was thinking there could be built something spectacular in the future, there was a couple of peasants who spoke of cheap beer and spicy women.
The monk, named Aymeric Picaud, asked for more, and farmers responded to him,

Allez allez! Visitez l’Espagne! Soleil et biere pour peu d’argent!

He didn’t wanted to know about all that nonsense of sun, beer and easy women, telling the peasants that he had a friend who told him there was a lot of architectural works and cultural performances.
Both farmers started to laugh their way, and went on singing a strange song that talked about an ancient kingdom, and a country very dear to someone.

So Aymeric took his horse and headed south towards Irun. He get lost in the Pyrenees, say, because of a snowstorm, and ended up at Roncesvalles. When he asked in his poor Hispanic

Hoygan, como you ir Santiagou, amigou? (Somewhat like Hoygan, I like go where Santiago, amigou?)

the basquenavarrian innkeeper saw the business, and answered:

Oh yeah, whatever. Sit here and Patxi will bring you something to eat.

Picaud got a slice of bread with a slime of cheese, which cost him three maravedis, thereby inventing the scam of the montadito.

However, there are detractors and envious which put Picaud on the French Pyrenees but not in winter and snowstorms, but in the summer. Eager to be near his destination, he picked some cheap french wine and pissed up himself to death, fainting near Saint Jean Pied de Port.

Either way, the navarrians gradually decreased the contents of the French monk pockets’, making him go around from village to village, absolutely all over the place, until one day, he acknowledged some freckle located in some raunchy place, suddenly recalling that he had been there before. So he turned tail, threw all sorts of oaths and swears to all the basque people and, eventually, continued his cultural route.

Aymeric Picaud arriving to Burgos

Inevitably diverted from its path, Aymeric was found alone, and almost without money, in the steppes of Leon, where he had to go asking their residents, occasional herds of goats, if he was stepping right to reach Santiago.
After crossing the endless, empty and cold but sunny plains of the Kingdom of Castille, he arrived at Galicia and asked a peasant

Hoygan amigou, how can me go Santiagou?

The farmer replied

The concept is the concept, And as I say something, I say something else.

And then sodded off.

Aymeric, deeply astonished and troubled by the strange inhabitants of that land, finally arrived in Santiago and made the rite through which the apprentice receives the teachings of the master by knocking their heads.
On regaining consciousness, and being ready to go back to where he came, he heard cries and shouts that asked why he was going in that direction, where there was no more than herds of wild goats and desert steppes for thousands of kilometers, finally getting to a land where people scam the hell out of you with cheap wine, fake cheese (without fungus and not smelly) and stale bread, advising Picaud that the right course was to the north, by the sea shore.
Seeing the transformation in the face of Picaud as soon as he heard that, from gentle monk to precursor to the Incredible Hulk, the Galician peasants wanted to leave quickly, and were thwarted obstructing each other, creating the impression that they did not know whether to stay or leave.

Back to Poitiers, Aymeric Picaud took all the small sheets on his pockets, put them the name of Moleskine (as you can see, a very stupid name, being this the reason why all the people went mocking him until the end of his days) and published it, especially paying attention to the ones who had scammed him badly. Incidentally, he invented literary tourism, travel guides and characters such as Bilbo Baggins and other famous travellers.
He also invented, without knowing it, French chauvinism, because he had never acknowledged he went the wrong way and that, instead of the cultural route that passed through the coast, he got lost in wild places. That way, readers of his “On Foot through Hispania: How not to be scammed by those fucking basque bastards”, whom were not that much smarter, they believed the monk’s and chose to cross a desert inhabited by goats instead of a pleasant scenery, full of fresh green grass and watered with frisky apple juice.

King Fernando III of Castiella, Toledo and Leon exemplifying Christian values

The new influx of people to this new route, made the CEO of the Kingdom of Castile extend a warrant for the French writer, inventing journalistic censorship by the government. As it was unsuccessful, the King finally decided to spend the monies and start building new infrastructure for the new route. Also, as the manual was intended only to prevent abusive practices in the early stages of the road, Fernando III of Castiella e Leon e Toledo called El Santo (The Saint) for its systematic and literal application of the biblical methodology for hereditary conflict resolution, started the re-population of the Leon steppes, originally a lush forest that old friend Pelayo had reduced to ashes in order to sabotage some tiger nut crops, at the sound of

If not for me, not for anybody.

Meanwhile, on the Mediterranean coast …

At Monzon grew a little blond boy, who became a two-meter bad-ass called James.
After, of course, some struggles between his cousins and other pretenders, James was able to assert his donkey jaw and reach his very own reality-show final, being the sole survivor and so won the divine right to be CEO of the Federation of United Catalan Counties and of Kingdom of Aragon (FUCCKA).
Good ole’ King James also started some catalan traditions as well as pactism and the differential facts: while the rest of the Christian kingdoms engaged in cultural binge-tourism, James I the “Bad-Ass” Conqueror, leader of the United Federation of Counties, saw on the sea … the final frontier … a possibility for internationalization, to do something that made him apart from the rest. He also came up to conquer new lands to the diabetic Moors, and to do that he summoned all his nobles and their armies … whom sod him on several occasions, as they considered that those ideas were completely loony and had no future, that the business was in tourism and infrastructure construction, as all the rest of the peninsula was doing.
Finally, thanks to the intervention of the three Popes, the only legal representatives of the old lynched who was shaping Europe a thousand years after his death, the Aragonese nobles began to support the good King James, who finally conquered the Balearic Islands, Valencia and then Tortosa (giving young europeans more places to go on vacation).
Years later, along with some more occurrences, he pulled a crusade out of his helmet, and one of the Popes bought it. But instead of conquering Jerusalem, he did not made it even to Marseille because of a storm and had to return home.
During his reign, King James had to confront various rebellions, both their own noble men and some of the conquered. The case of Valencia.
James used to observe the habits and customs of the places conquered, by granting the muslim freedom of movement and trade, provided he did not imported the Uses of Barcelona (and since then, the disputes between the provinces and the capital of the principality because of alleged centralism based in Barcelona have been almost daily).
Thus, the introduction of Usages, and not the muslim doing business, was not liked very much by the Christian occupants that, as soon as the king left, those buggers began organizing monumental piss-ups. This way there were various Saracen rebellions, during which James asked aid of Pope Clement IV, who made honor to its name: the king was put as a condition to help release the souls of Saracens and let them reach paradise. And if he did at once, with swords and not letting any single one of them alive, even better.
At that time, James had a glimpse of what would become one of our most beloved traditions. At first he said yes to Pope Clement, but when it came the time to decide, he passed the entire affair under his arch of triumph, and kept the rights and possessions of the Muslims in exchange for them to convert… and thus continue to pay taxes. Here’s the beginning of the pactism and that about “listen, listen to the money talks”.

Next chapter…

Why Spain is different? Chapter 3: from cultural tourism to reality shows

May 13, 2010 2 comments

Previously, on Spain…

After leaving Galicia and march south, muslims who conquered the Iberian peninsula in just 15 years were to decay. In their hedonism, they began to create wacky competitions like cake-roll-eating ones.
These activities led to a dramatic increase in cases of diabetes and obesity, and small rivalries that, over time, were gradually growing and growing.

Those at first harmless contests evolved into riots and street fights by disputes over who made the best cake-rolls in Al-Andalus, or by someone who said that to mix horchata with iced lemon juice could not be good.
Finally, the mobs grew up, forcing the disintegration of the Caliphate in different factions, each one defending their own recipes from the others, and giving way to Taifas, precursors of the Peña‘s system, very well known nowadays at the peninsula during popular festivals like San Fermín.

Thus, with half the population going on diet, stockpiling stevia and without wanting to hear about cake-rolls never more in life, and the other half defending their recipes from their respective grandmothers, muslims did not noticed about the continuous increasing traffic crossing the northern European mainland.

Far from promoting a change in the situation, the Christian kings kept things going, charging huge sums to European tourists in a commercial effort, along with bossy analfabeastism promoted by The System itself, meant that the population within Christian kingdoms cared little for Education:

Son, what you have to know is about numbers and little more, to not to get scammed by those Teutons and their spare change tricks. All this books and lyrics nonsense stuff only attract problems. Remember that stranger who came talkin’bout books, the same old guy which the priest made us burn alive…

Thus, much of the ancient writings that people like Maimonides helped to preserve, passed by the early second millennium’s Christianity.
One of these writings was the popular Roman Proverbs, compiled by Julius Caesar, which contained one of the most famous sayings: Divide et impera.
But unlike the story would have us to believe, the reality is that not being able to read those proverbs and sayings by Caesar thanks to being complete asses, the Christian kingdoms made no effort to divide them, and as it has been sufficiently clear paragraphs earlier, Al-Andalus was split because of internal disputes, obesity and diabetes.

Meanwhile, in Europe, the Holy Roman Empire also experienced a slight fragmentation caused by the fact that any rule based solely on loyalty to the emperor’s personality, breaks when the emperor dies. On the Mediterranean coast, this fragmentation was being taken by a representative of northern european furry brewers: Wilfred, called “the hairy”.

Historically, a Count was little more than an administrative office. He levied taxes for the king, decided the public spending and was to him, whom the inhabitants of the domains had to answer. No more than a civil servant. As good officials, those cunts were holding the job for life, losing it when death arrived. But their sons had many chances, although not 100% safe, to inherit the contract. More than anything because they knew all the operation and had not had to waste time doing nasty job interviews.

Seeing that the Carolingian sale stalls had its days numbered, and knowing about the experience of new businesses opportunities being made just a little more westward, Wilfred the Chewbacca, as he was not noticed at the periphery of the empire, did what many others already were doing: passing its civil servant contracts, or counties that made up the Hispanic March, into perpetuity to his children, thus creating another well known spanish tradition: the political family sagas.

Thus, while Wilfred and his sons created the hereditary civil-servant system, the ignor-asses one day looked to the south and discovered that the previously cultured, refined and noble Muslims had become a bunch of rabid ill fatsos, engaged in heated debates over cooking recipes. But the Christian kings were unable to see the opportunity offered by a fragmented Al-Andalus. Moreover, they began to fight among themselves to dominate as many segments of the tourist route that crossed their domains.

The main company, the Kingdom of Asturias, lost its monopoly with the creation of different Unipersonal State Societies, as the Kingdom of Leon, Kingdom of Castile, Kingdom of Galicia, Kingdom of Navarre and the Kingdom of Aragon.
As they were not so many, and people knew each other, they eventually started another tradition that still endures: inbreeding. Heads of households took over daughters and sons, forming alliances through marriage. The new couple had as many children as possible, because labor was needed to maintain the business, and the issue of hiring outsiders for the family business was not well seen. In addition, homers knew how everything worked and had not had to waste time doing nasty job interviews.

When, by the passage of time, illness or sudden stabbing on the back, the head of household passed out, he did not delivered before cutting the cake between the family, as good brothers.
And like good brothers, but also as good followers of the necrophilic cult, the sons followed the instructions regarding inheritance disputes within the strict interpretation of The Book: by smashing themselves to death.

At father’s death, and if someone had something to say, they mimicked Cain and Abel, and began to deliver blows, using either a donkey jaw, if dead donkeys were available (which with time became more scarce), or directly with a sword. Last still on foot got all the inheritance, in which was a sort of archaic Big Brother.

So, after the systematic application of this biblical solution, the Kingdom of Asturias became Kingdom of Leon, which after the merging was renamed itself to Kingdom of Castile and Leon, etc.., giving way to the four finalists in the reality show for northern Christian kingdoms: Castile and Leon; Navarre; Aragon; and the Federation of Unified Catalan Counties (FUCC).

Next chapter…

Why Spain is different Chapter 2: From booze tourism to cultural tourism

April 30, 2010 2 comments

Previously, on Spain…

Says Isa Ahmad Al-Razi that in the times of Anbasa ben Suhaim Al-Qalbi, rose in the land of Galicia a wild ass named Pelayo.
Chronicle of Al Maqqar

Pelayo, which can be considered the first Spanish boss, decided to start a business: reconquer the Iberian peninsula at that time dominated by the Andalusian Muslim Infidels, expression that varied with time, as Caesar Augusta and Emerita Augusta became Zaragoza or Merida respectively, into “fucking moorish bastards”.
But apart from boss, Pelayo was a traitor, because history suggests that the original Asturs, somewhat naughty, already showed their dissatisfaction with previous invasions, whether being them the Romans (there are traces of anti Roman motto’s) or by King Bamba’s Visigoth brewers.
Anyway. After getting a bunch of traitors and illiterate villagers to defeat a bunch of scouts, in a way so mysterious and incomprehensible, and in “great victory in front of them infidels thanks to the help of God”, Pelayo was back home and was asked

What about you, man?

And, as a great Spanish chieftain, he replied

Not much mate, we come from killing a bunch of fuckingmoorishbastards.

Everyone was laughing at the joke and the guy, who was just a bit smarter than everybody else, had a glimpse from a new business model, so cunning and really different from the scam of selling watery beer to tourists: to let others do so, while him, well seated in his new palace, was getting a good bit of the grand total.
And so, employing the new necrophilic cosmogony, he took out two inventions from his helmet: the Kingdom of Asturias, born thanks to divine providence, and the precursor to the Income Tax on Societies.
The Kingdom of Asturias Unipersonal State Society (aka Pelayo & sons) began its internationalization. First towards the west, until they reached a wild place, full of mountains and hills where there is always raining and mud and the Earth ends.
Muslims who lived in Galicia gave thanks to Allah for bringing lots of those smelly bearded people, and turned south, to more prosperous lands, with more sun and where the production of horchata was easier.
Meanwhile, on the Mediterranean coast, some chap called Charlemagne took what was the remains of the Roman Empire, convinced the new leader of the necrophilic sect of the lynched palestinian, more popular than ever, to crown him as Emperor and rename the hut into Holy Roman Empire.
Charlemagne made several trips south of the Pyrenees, following the footsteps of his ancestors, and he was able to conquer a part of the andalusis’ territory, and because of them coming from the desert, the business of snow and cold did not fitted very much.
So after a little discussion, someone organized a branding meeting to agree that the smelly lousy bearded europeans would be the owners north of the Llobregat river, creating the first Hispanic March.
The Kingdom of Asturias already controlled the north of the peninsula, and the cheap-beer trade with Visigoth migrants who came from the south. So, someone went making partnerships with the rest of the known world, and used them against Muslim infidels and their fucking sweet white drink.

“I have a friend who …” in a storytelling session, told another friend who had heard a story …

It turns out that another chap called Paio (!!!!!) or Pelayo, a hermit of that rugged area where it always rained and some species of mushrooms were abundant, saw ‘lights on a star forest’ for a few nights. The guy, deeply troubled by those hallucinations, went to his bishop who, when told about the story, answered

The concept is thus the concept. And as I say something, I say something else. You better shut up, I’m in charge of it.

And so he designed a viral ad.
The rumor said that in that area which the sun was never seen, and always was rain, and nobody knew where to go, or if you went up or down… some guy had found the tomb of someone called “Santi”, who escaped the famous lynched impostor 800 years ago, and reached the region … circumnavigating the entire known earth … from the eastern half … in a stone boat.
Most of Europe, despite having evolved by the fact of being connected to the rest of the world, they still remembered the stories of their grand-grand-grandparents, who spoke about a site south-west, where the beer was cheap, the sun was shining, it could be party all day and the girls were spicy.
Besides remembering stories of ancestors, they also kept some traditions, such as not washing, foster self cultivation fleas or getting drown by large amounts of beer. So the virus worked perfectly.

The ‘large amounts of beer’ factor could have been decisive in the fact that nobody stopped to calculate the reality index of the fact that a guy who had escaped a public lynching 800 years ago, could cross all over the world floating on a piece of rock. Either way, everyone ran to see how insane the new discovery was, creating a flow of tourists seeking a place where it was said that a little silver box was found, and if you looked at it with staring eyes slightly crossed, you could see some little 3D figurines. These new tourists were arriving by legions and leaving piles of money in different things, more merrily than before did those who just drank and little more.
From here, marketing experts started creating new products for The Way of St. James, as unleavened cakes or the symbol of this new tourist destination market: a marine mollusk shell that had been transported inland an average of 60 kms from the beach. A sample of efficiency.

Apart from the physical products taking advantage from the cultorum necrofilicum prevailing in Europe, came a whole host of varied legends, thanks to which the magnates of the Kingdom of Asturias started packing with that new business of organized family tourism.

Next chapter…

Why Spain is different? Chapter 1: Amigou!! Fiesta!! Sangría!! Paellia!!

April 28, 2010 1 comment

Originally, this was supposed to be the typical article where I throw a little bile, a valve for releasing steam and pressure from the nastiness that this country rewards every day. And it was planned to do it in a serious tone, as necessary.

After the first paragraph I recalled that this country is impossible to understand if one takes it seriously, and giving it a try only leads to deep depression, becoming catatonic and applying for a voluntary lobotomy.
I have therefore decided to expand what was a safety valve to a therapeutic exercise, and make a small apocryphal story to try to explain why Spain is different.

NOTE: This story, although based on real events wikipedia, is not fictitious. The text includes deliberate attacks on catholic hierarchy and the names of the characters have been changed to protect privacy and honor. Not any superior primate, including paedophile catholic priests, has ben tortured nor damaged during the writing of this text.

Why is Spain different?

A normal person who believes in self initiative, who values meritocracy and who thinks that what one works is for him or herself, living in a country like Spain it is very difficult.

Spain is Different, by furfree

Spain is different. It always has been so. Manuel Fraga, minister of Tourism and Propaganda during Gral. Franco’s dictatorship, was the first to write it down, almost 60 years ago. Spain is a country where anything but logic works, from the big-shot culture to ramble with everything you can before somebody else does it (or the police come to take you). Here in Spain you can steal, the more the better, and be considered a hero. Who in Spain does not remember Dionisio “El Dioni” Rodriguez, thanks to whom the company Candi SA had to close for bankruptcy and, for years after his theft, has been interviewed on TV and tabloids, or Enric Duran, the hippie who helped the banks starting the cut off, long before the crisis, by scamming them half million euros, and then went off on ‘solidarity’ vacation for one year and a half?
But apart of popular heroes, we have bankers, regional presidents, suburban mayors and a whole range of wildlife thieves, worth of admiring, probably subject to debate and which possibly served as models for countries like Zimbabwe, Libya and Somalia. Or vice versa.
One such species is the employer of the construction, the artist formerly known as Boss of town. But to understand well the steps from-boss-to-builder, the real estate boom-bubble and its subsequent exploitation, we must look back about five or six centuries ago, to the formation of this thing we now call Spain … but to understand the formation of modern Spain, we must look back even further behind.


The Romans brought to Hispania, among other things, the wine, roads, drinking water, irrigation, public order and the Pax Romana. Centuries later, some vandals from northern Europe began a tradition that still lasts today: getting here, blow out themselves with beer, break everything, impose incomprehensible laws and necrophile-pedophile-monotheistic beliefs.
Christian vandals and goths from icy northern European liked the place, and so began to carve up the remains of the Roman Empire, which they had looted in their entirety elsewhere. Roman Provinces Tarraconense, Lusitania and Baetica were reorganized, the former governors of provinces were renamed ‘Dux’, and finally, between binge and binge, the invaders ended up creating different Visigoths kingdoms.
Meanwhile, the Arabs, who had just conquered the Maghreb but where still looking for a greener area, decided to use one of the Gothic hangovers and invaded, dominating in only 15 years, all of what was known as Hispania: once one of the most prosperous territories in ancient Rome, now converted into little more than a dunghill.

There is a theory that would explain the quickness of the Muslim conquest: the inhabitants of the peninsula, very proud of their Roman civitas and the rights and freedoms involved, and most were practitioners of polytheism long before Hercules was strolling through future Emporion, and they did not took very well that some newcomers pissing up and imposing those bizarre practices of worshiping a manipulator from a distant land whom, once the scam was discovered, was unceremoniously lynched, but thanks to a strange manipulation of older cults as it could be Attis’ and Mitra’s, returned to life three days later.
Between this and that, after the invasion of thousands of Europeans drunkards, the pax romana was not pax nor anything anymore, and going out at daylight was just as dangerous as to do it at night, so hispaniards collaborated actively expel them newcomers.

The reason of all this nonsense

Quickly, the new-newcomers saw that land was better than the desert where they came from, so they became independent and created Al-Andalus.
The Andalusis took advantage and improved roads, irrigation, public order, health, gardens, culture and knowledge that the Romans had bequeathed. And allowed religious freedom. And imported oranges, tiger nuts and invented the horchata.
But Hispania was different. A peasant named Pelayo, the first town-boss in Spanish history that has been given the title of Don, did not took very well all that religious freedom, public toilets, sanitation, homes with running water or mathematics. He surely hated horchata and preferred beer, and possibly got rich charging two silver talents for a half pint of watery beer to gothic Europeans. And of course, with his business winding up, Pelayo decided to revolt and claim the legacy of the necrophilic faith and the moral values of binge tourism, previously imported by Northern Europeans. He was captured and sent to Corduba.

But as ignorance is bold (and Andalusis were soft), he managed to escape and eventually start ¡The Reconquista!

Next chapter…