Why Spain is Different? Chapter 5: from the differential facts to pyro-musical shows
Thanks to Fernando III, the Kingdom of Castile got one of his greatest hits in all history: to grow something in a place that originally had been a lush virgin forest, after it had been reduced to ashes, and then populated with goats. And did it thanks to a new invention: mass immigration. What they achieved to grow? A stunted turnip.After the new immigrant population of poor farmers went displacing the indigenous goats, they had to go down south, eventually arriving to Granada over the years. Once there, the Leonese goats were devoted to their millennial and tireless work of ending any vestige of plant life on the face of the earth, including Stevia fields that kept diabetic Granada within safe levels of glucose in blood.. and the last tiger nut fields.
Without its medicine, Grenada was doomed.
Meanwhile a little further north, one fellow called Martin, a descendant of Good Ole King James, thought he had to be honest, so if you fancy religion, you have to be chaste, and thus… not having children. So Martin the Dumbas… eeerrr… the Human, died childless after a hellish night in which he received the visit of a delegation, which asked in front of a notary, to be ceded the right to decide who would succeed the king.
The next morning, someone noticed that one of the witnesses had his passport expired, or that there was any crappy defect on one form, so they all went back to the King’s chamber who, fed up with the presence of such ass-officials, decided to die and pass the shit to someone else.
Catalan Counts were versed in honor, word and pacts as Good King James said, so they went for the legal path. But the Castilian, more versed in the art of business after more than four centuries managing the European drunk tourist, overtook the process and forced their own heir: Ferdinando II, Infante de Castilla, Duke of Peñafiel, major landowner of Spain and de facto king.
Ferdinand II was declared heir to the Crown of Aragon through the sacred vote of Casp’s Concile. The fact that the declaration as heir was held before the vote itself is, without doubt, the Miracle of Ferdinando II. This miracle was done, probably, by St. Vincent Ferrer, who dealt a few more things, consisting of the miraculous conversion of thousands of Muslims, Jews and even some clueless Christians, just after them were being threatened with a slow, violent and painful death caused by sharpen metal utensils and / or musical fireworks shows.Another Vincent’s miracles was the fact that himself was assuring that he preached only in Catalan… and he was understood all along the entire peninsula.
Preaching in Catalan and being understood by the Teutons and Normans is subject of controversy, with some opinions according this had been done through the practice of witchcraft.
Once Ferdinand II of Aragon became Ferdinand N +1 of Aragon, Catalonia, Valencia, Majorca, Naples, Two Sicilians and Jerusalem, he met Isabella, Princess of Asturias and heir to the Kingdom of Castile, both decided to continue the traditions started centuries ago. So first, they got a false papalician bull that exempted them to burn eternally in hell for fornicating, being themselves 3rd degree relatives (may be Elizabeth was a fervent supporter of charitable and Christian teachings which explicitly prohibits pre-marital sex) and after that, they married in secret.
After inventing Spain, the new rulers wanted to do the job well. And so they hired the services of Tomas de Torquemada, a Dominican monk, nephew of a cardinal and descendant of Jewish converts. The kings asked Torquemada to design a plan to fully integrate the new country within Europe (I mean, this happened 600 years ago…).
Tomas decided to take a branch of the Public Administration of Aragon named “The Inquisition”, created about 300 years before, in order to burn alive the maximum number of southern France inhabitants.
After changing the name to “The Spanish Inquisition”, and the mysterious (or miraculous) assassination of the former Inquisitor, Pedro de Arbus, attributed to a band of heretics and Jews, Tomas of Torquemada became Inquisitor General hammer of heretics, light of Spain, savior of his country and his honor, gaining power over life and death over all inhabitants of the Kingdom of Spain. Take that.
Torquemada, who was a man who traveled far and had a wide culture, appropriated the discourse made by Richard IV of England when he left for the Crusades, modifying it slightly:
As the good Lord said: “Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he’s Jewish, in which case, kill the bastard!”
The plan devised by Thomas was very similar to the original Inquisition’s public service, but the new Director-General extended the scope to religious genocide: the plan was to burn alive anyone who did not profess the Catholic, Apostolic, Roman and Hypocritical faith. And also redheads and left-handed people, regardless of their spiritual feelings.
In matters of religion, especially in the Christian religion of the necrophiliac lynched palestinian, converts are often the most fervent supporters of their new faith. Undoubtedly, the descendant of Jewish converts Torquemada was deeply inspired by such a predecessor as Paul of Tarsus, leading up his fervor to unexpected levels and applied it with special attention to Jewish converts and their descendants, like himself, who were accused of continuing to apply the Mosaic law with any excuse and under any pretext.The Spanish Inquisition, with the help of his weapon as was surprise … surprise and fear … well, two weapons which were fear and surprise … and ruthless efficiency … The three weapons of the inquisition were fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency… and a fanatical devotion towards the Pope …. The FOUR… Among the weapons… within its weaponry… there were elements as fear, surprise … whatever. It became one of the branches of that manage public resources more efficiently. He lowered the legal age to 12 years in women and 14 men (unambiguous reference from Tomas to Paul’s love and respect to ladies); expanded the use and interaction between metal elements viciously sharp and human bodies; established an anonymous tip off system, through which anyone could refer to any inquisitorial court without any identification and by no means no basis nor proof; imported the european custom to prevent the advancement of heretics by burning all books not Catholic, especially all those Jewish and Arabic literature; and reduced process costs through an inquisitorial model of mass-entertainment business, consisting of multitudinous pyro-musical shows with the participation, only during his mandate, of up to 10,000 extras with phrase and 27,000 extras.
Sometime, in those typical quiet moments suffered by endogamous people between matinée and afternoon show, someone discovered that the ancient and noble Arabs were besieged by flocks of Iberian goats and had no access to certain healing plants that prevented them from becoming blind.
Isabella and Ferdinand N +1 went fast and furious to Granada, and finally got Boabdil, the diabetic king, surrendered the city, completing the reconquest and minting the sentence “Tanto monta monta tanto, Isabel como Fernando”, used by Granada’s inhabitants to designate their feelings about the new kings, who would be “the same old shit”.
As the last king of Granada went up whining to the Alpujarra, his mother said
Cry now as a man what you’ve been fondling before as a woman.
Or something else… Although there are scholars and historians who claim that what Aisha really said to her son was
You’ll see when uncle Suleiman finds out.
And uncle Suleiman was known as one of the most cruel and ruthless living men at the Maghreb, so Boabdil cried, thinking about what to expect in Oman.
As expected, the plan from Torquemada worked to perfection once the Reconquista was over. The vast majority of Jews and Almohades and remaining Almoravids still alive chose the one true faith … if they did not wanted to end by smelling roasted. Those who did ignore the indirect and remained faithful to his ideals were eventually burned.
There were curious cases in which, even after abjuring their bastard faith, the ex-heretic was burnt alive as soon as it became converted…
These proto-falles helped when Torquemada issued the final expulsion of Jews and Moors from Spain. The issue was taken seriously, and between 50,000 and 200,000 people left to never come back …
Torquemada system bequeathed to posterity two traditions that still remains nowadays: the spanish rarity of having two surnames, to discern a possible Jewish ancestry, and the concept “making Saturday”, which clearly distinguished Christian women amongst those who were not: the Christian houses were cleaned on Saturday, and those that was not cleaned, it was because its inhabitants were some few disgusting bitches that deserved the utmost cleanliness: the bonfire.
Years later, the Borgia Pope Alexander VII gave another papalician bull that granted cousins Ferdinand and Isabella, the makers and promoters of mass murder and deportation of anyone not taking literally, like them, the Holy Scriptures of the only true faith of the three religions of the Book (whatever the bugger means), the status of ‘Catholic Monarchs’.
And so it was on August 2, 1492, deadline for Jews and Moors to march off the Peninsula, as a fellow named Columbus decided to do so by sea with the excuse to cut…