Why Spain is different? Chapter 3: from cultural tourism to reality shows
After leaving Galicia and march south, muslims who conquered the Iberian peninsula in just 15 years were to decay. In their hedonism, they began to create wacky competitions like cake-roll-eating ones.
These activities led to a dramatic increase in cases of diabetes and obesity, and small rivalries that, over time, were gradually growing and growing.
Those at first harmless contests evolved into riots and street fights by disputes over who made the best cake-rolls in Al-Andalus, or by someone who said that to mix horchata with iced lemon juice could not be good.
Finally, the mobs grew up, forcing the disintegration of the Caliphate in different factions, each one defending their own recipes from the others, and giving way to Taifas, precursors of the Peña‘s system, very well known nowadays at the peninsula during popular festivals like San Fermín.
Thus, with half the population going on diet, stockpiling stevia and without wanting to hear about cake-rolls never more in life, and the other half defending their recipes from their respective grandmothers, muslims did not noticed about the continuous increasing traffic crossing the northern European mainland.
Far from promoting a change in the situation, the Christian kings kept things going, charging huge sums to European tourists in a commercial effort, along with bossy analfabeastism promoted by The System itself, meant that the population within Christian kingdoms cared little for Education:
Son, what you have to know is about numbers and little more, to not to get scammed by those Teutons and their spare change tricks. All this books and lyrics nonsense stuff only attract problems. Remember that stranger who came talkin’bout books, the same old guy which the priest made us burn alive…
Thus, much of the ancient writings that people like Maimonides helped to preserve, passed by the early second millennium’s Christianity.
One of these writings was the popular Roman Proverbs, compiled by Julius Caesar, which contained one of the most famous sayings: Divide et impera.
But unlike the story would have us to believe, the reality is that not being able to read those proverbs and sayings by Caesar thanks to being complete asses, the Christian kingdoms made no effort to divide them, and as it has been sufficiently clear paragraphs earlier, Al-Andalus was split because of internal disputes, obesity and diabetes.
Meanwhile, in Europe, the Holy Roman Empire also experienced a slight fragmentation caused by the fact that any rule based solely on loyalty to the emperor’s personality, breaks when the emperor dies. On the Mediterranean coast, this fragmentation was being taken by a representative of northern european furry brewers: Wilfred, called “the hairy”.
Historically, a Count was little more than an administrative office. He levied taxes for the king, decided the public spending and was to him, whom the inhabitants of the domains had to answer. No more than a civil servant. As good officials, those cunts were holding the job for life, losing it when death arrived. But their sons had many chances, although not 100% safe, to inherit the contract. More than anything because they knew all the operation and had not had to waste time doing nasty job interviews.
Seeing that the Carolingian sale stalls had its days numbered, and knowing about the experience of new businesses opportunities being made just a little more westward, Wilfred the Chewbacca, as he was not noticed at the periphery of the empire, did what many others already were doing: passing its civil servant contracts, or counties that made up the Hispanic March, into perpetuity to his children, thus creating another well known spanish tradition: the political family sagas.
Thus, while Wilfred and his sons created the hereditary civil-servant system, the ignor-asses one day looked to the south and discovered that the previously cultured, refined and noble Muslims had become a bunch of rabid ill fatsos, engaged in heated debates over cooking recipes. But the Christian kings were unable to see the opportunity offered by a fragmented Al-Andalus. Moreover, they began to fight among themselves to dominate as many segments of the tourist route that crossed their domains.
The main company, the Kingdom of Asturias, lost its monopoly with the creation of different Unipersonal State Societies, as the Kingdom of Leon, Kingdom of Castile, Kingdom of Galicia, Kingdom of Navarre and the Kingdom of Aragon.
As they were not so many, and people knew each other, they eventually started another tradition that still endures: inbreeding. Heads of households took over daughters and sons, forming alliances through marriage. The new couple had as many children as possible, because labor was needed to maintain the business, and the issue of hiring outsiders for the family business was not well seen. In addition, homers knew how everything worked and had not had to waste time doing nasty job interviews.
When, by the passage of time, illness or sudden stabbing on the back, the head of household passed out, he did not delivered before cutting the cake between the family, as good brothers.
And like good brothers, but also as good followers of the necrophilic cult, the sons followed the instructions regarding inheritance disputes within the strict interpretation of The Book: by smashing themselves to death.
At father’s death, and if someone had something to say, they mimicked Cain and Abel, and began to deliver blows, using either a donkey jaw, if dead donkeys were available (which with time became more scarce), or directly with a sword. Last still on foot got all the inheritance, in which was a sort of archaic Big Brother.
So, after the systematic application of this biblical solution, the Kingdom of Asturias became Kingdom of Leon, which after the merging was renamed itself to Kingdom of Castile and Leon, etc.., giving way to the four finalists in the reality show for northern Christian kingdoms: Castile and Leon; Navarre; Aragon; and the Federation of Unified Catalan Counties (FUCC).