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Why Spain is different Chapter 2: From booze tourism to cultural tourism

April 30, 2010 2 comments

Previously, on Spain…

Says Isa Ahmad Al-Razi that in the times of Anbasa ben Suhaim Al-Qalbi, rose in the land of Galicia a wild ass named Pelayo.
Chronicle of Al Maqqar

Pelayo, which can be considered the first Spanish boss, decided to start a business: reconquer the Iberian peninsula at that time dominated by the Andalusian Muslim Infidels, expression that varied with time, as Caesar Augusta and Emerita Augusta became Zaragoza or Merida respectively, into “fucking moorish bastards”.
But apart from boss, Pelayo was a traitor, because history suggests that the original Asturs, somewhat naughty, already showed their dissatisfaction with previous invasions, whether being them the Romans (there are traces of anti Roman motto’s) or by King Bamba’s Visigoth brewers.
Anyway. After getting a bunch of traitors and illiterate villagers to defeat a bunch of scouts, in a way so mysterious and incomprehensible, and in “great victory in front of them infidels thanks to the help of God”, Pelayo was back home and was asked

What about you, man?

And, as a great Spanish chieftain, he replied

Not much mate, we come from killing a bunch of fuckingmoorishbastards.

Everyone was laughing at the joke and the guy, who was just a bit smarter than everybody else, had a glimpse from a new business model, so cunning and really different from the scam of selling watery beer to tourists: to let others do so, while him, well seated in his new palace, was getting a good bit of the grand total.
And so, employing the new necrophilic cosmogony, he took out two inventions from his helmet: the Kingdom of Asturias, born thanks to divine providence, and the precursor to the Income Tax on Societies.
The Kingdom of Asturias Unipersonal State Society (aka Pelayo & sons) began its internationalization. First towards the west, until they reached a wild place, full of mountains and hills where there is always raining and mud and the Earth ends.
Muslims who lived in Galicia gave thanks to Allah for bringing lots of those smelly bearded people, and turned south, to more prosperous lands, with more sun and where the production of horchata was easier.
Meanwhile, on the Mediterranean coast, some chap called Charlemagne took what was the remains of the Roman Empire, convinced the new leader of the necrophilic sect of the lynched palestinian, more popular than ever, to crown him as Emperor and rename the hut into Holy Roman Empire.
Charlemagne made several trips south of the Pyrenees, following the footsteps of his ancestors, and he was able to conquer a part of the andalusis’ territory, and because of them coming from the desert, the business of snow and cold did not fitted very much.
So after a little discussion, someone organized a branding meeting to agree that the smelly lousy bearded europeans would be the owners north of the Llobregat river, creating the first Hispanic March.
The Kingdom of Asturias already controlled the north of the peninsula, and the cheap-beer trade with Visigoth migrants who came from the south. So, someone went making partnerships with the rest of the known world, and used them against Muslim infidels and their fucking sweet white drink.

“I have a friend who …” in a storytelling session, told another friend who had heard a story …

It turns out that another chap called Paio (!!!!!) or Pelayo, a hermit of that rugged area where it always rained and some species of mushrooms were abundant, saw ‘lights on a star forest’ for a few nights. The guy, deeply troubled by those hallucinations, went to his bishop who, when told about the story, answered

The concept is thus the concept. And as I say something, I say something else. You better shut up, I’m in charge of it.

And so he designed a viral ad.
The rumor said that in that area which the sun was never seen, and always was rain, and nobody knew where to go, or if you went up or down… some guy had found the tomb of someone called “Santi”, who escaped the famous lynched impostor 800 years ago, and reached the region … circumnavigating the entire known earth … from the eastern half … in a stone boat.
Most of Europe, despite having evolved by the fact of being connected to the rest of the world, they still remembered the stories of their grand-grand-grandparents, who spoke about a site south-west, where the beer was cheap, the sun was shining, it could be party all day and the girls were spicy.
Besides remembering stories of ancestors, they also kept some traditions, such as not washing, foster self cultivation fleas or getting drown by large amounts of beer. So the virus worked perfectly.

The ‘large amounts of beer’ factor could have been decisive in the fact that nobody stopped to calculate the reality index of the fact that a guy who had escaped a public lynching 800 years ago, could cross all over the world floating on a piece of rock. Either way, everyone ran to see how insane the new discovery was, creating a flow of tourists seeking a place where it was said that a little silver box was found, and if you looked at it with staring eyes slightly crossed, you could see some little 3D figurines. These new tourists were arriving by legions and leaving piles of money in different things, more merrily than before did those who just drank and little more.
From here, marketing experts started creating new products for The Way of St. James, as unleavened cakes or the symbol of this new tourist destination market: a marine mollusk shell that had been transported inland an average of 60 kms from the beach. A sample of efficiency.

Apart from the physical products taking advantage from the cultorum necrofilicum prevailing in Europe, came a whole host of varied legends, thanks to which the magnates of the Kingdom of Asturias started packing with that new business of organized family tourism.

Next chapter…

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Why Spain is different? Chapter 1: Amigou!! Fiesta!! Sangría!! Paellia!!

April 28, 2010 1 comment

Originally, this was supposed to be the typical article where I throw a little bile, a valve for releasing steam and pressure from the nastiness that this country rewards every day. And it was planned to do it in a serious tone, as necessary.

After the first paragraph I recalled that this country is impossible to understand if one takes it seriously, and giving it a try only leads to deep depression, becoming catatonic and applying for a voluntary lobotomy.
I have therefore decided to expand what was a safety valve to a therapeutic exercise, and make a small apocryphal story to try to explain why Spain is different.

NOTE: This story, although based on real events wikipedia, is not fictitious. The text includes deliberate attacks on catholic hierarchy and the names of the characters have been changed to protect privacy and honor. Not any superior primate, including paedophile catholic priests, has ben tortured nor damaged during the writing of this text.

Why is Spain different?

A normal person who believes in self initiative, who values meritocracy and who thinks that what one works is for him or herself, living in a country like Spain it is very difficult.

Spain is Different, by furfree

Spain is different. It always has been so. Manuel Fraga, minister of Tourism and Propaganda during Gral. Franco’s dictatorship, was the first to write it down, almost 60 years ago. Spain is a country where anything but logic works, from the big-shot culture to ramble with everything you can before somebody else does it (or the police come to take you). Here in Spain you can steal, the more the better, and be considered a hero. Who in Spain does not remember Dionisio “El Dioni” Rodriguez, thanks to whom the company Candi SA had to close for bankruptcy and, for years after his theft, has been interviewed on TV and tabloids, or Enric Duran, the hippie who helped the banks starting the cut off, long before the crisis, by scamming them half million euros, and then went off on ‘solidarity’ vacation for one year and a half?
But apart of popular heroes, we have bankers, regional presidents, suburban mayors and a whole range of wildlife thieves, worth of admiring, probably subject to debate and which possibly served as models for countries like Zimbabwe, Libya and Somalia. Or vice versa.
One such species is the employer of the construction, the artist formerly known as Boss of town. But to understand well the steps from-boss-to-builder, the real estate boom-bubble and its subsequent exploitation, we must look back about five or six centuries ago, to the formation of this thing we now call Spain … but to understand the formation of modern Spain, we must look back even further behind.

WHERE IS THE LA FIESTA AMIGOOUU!!!

The Romans brought to Hispania, among other things, the wine, roads, drinking water, irrigation, public order and the Pax Romana. Centuries later, some vandals from northern Europe began a tradition that still lasts today: getting here, blow out themselves with beer, break everything, impose incomprehensible laws and necrophile-pedophile-monotheistic beliefs.
Christian vandals and goths from icy northern European liked the place, and so began to carve up the remains of the Roman Empire, which they had looted in their entirety elsewhere. Roman Provinces Tarraconense, Lusitania and Baetica were reorganized, the former governors of provinces were renamed ‘Dux’, and finally, between binge and binge, the invaders ended up creating different Visigoths kingdoms.
Meanwhile, the Arabs, who had just conquered the Maghreb but where still looking for a greener area, decided to use one of the Gothic hangovers and invaded, dominating in only 15 years, all of what was known as Hispania: once one of the most prosperous territories in ancient Rome, now converted into little more than a dunghill.

There is a theory that would explain the quickness of the Muslim conquest: the inhabitants of the peninsula, very proud of their Roman civitas and the rights and freedoms involved, and most were practitioners of polytheism long before Hercules was strolling through future Emporion, and they did not took very well that some newcomers pissing up and imposing those bizarre practices of worshiping a manipulator from a distant land whom, once the scam was discovered, was unceremoniously lynched, but thanks to a strange manipulation of older cults as it could be Attis’ and Mitra’s, returned to life three days later.
Between this and that, after the invasion of thousands of Europeans drunkards, the pax romana was not pax nor anything anymore, and going out at daylight was just as dangerous as to do it at night, so hispaniards collaborated actively expel them newcomers.

The reason of all this nonsense

Quickly, the new-newcomers saw that land was better than the desert where they came from, so they became independent and created Al-Andalus.
The Andalusis took advantage and improved roads, irrigation, public order, health, gardens, culture and knowledge that the Romans had bequeathed. And allowed religious freedom. And imported oranges, tiger nuts and invented the horchata.
But Hispania was different. A peasant named Pelayo, the first town-boss in Spanish history that has been given the title of Don, did not took very well all that religious freedom, public toilets, sanitation, homes with running water or mathematics. He surely hated horchata and preferred beer, and possibly got rich charging two silver talents for a half pint of watery beer to gothic Europeans. And of course, with his business winding up, Pelayo decided to revolt and claim the legacy of the necrophilic faith and the moral values of binge tourism, previously imported by Northern Europeans. He was captured and sent to Corduba.

But as ignorance is bold (and Andalusis were soft), he managed to escape and eventually start ¡The Reconquista!

Next chapter…